When someone we love dies, it’s natural to look around and wonder, “Why aren’t they grieving like I am?” The reality is, grief isn’t one-size-fits-all. Just like no two relationships are exactly the same, no two people experience loss the same way. And that’s not only normal—it’s expected. Here are some reasons why:
Different Relationships
Even siblings won’t grieve their parent the same way, because every relationship is different, each with their own complexities, expectations, inside jokes, and expressions of affection.
In the example of parental loss, every sibling had what can be considered a “different” parent. The eldest had first-time parents, the second born had parents who knew what they were doing, the youngest had parents with their hands full and scrambled to just fit the baby into the chaos. No version of the parents are the same for the each kid, so it makes sense that each kid will have a different relationship with their parents. This means they will all grieve their loss differently.
Different Roles
As each sibling will grieve their parent in a unique way, a person will also grieve differently based on the role played by the person who died. The grief you experience for your mother will be different than the grief you have for a brother or a friend.
Different people play different roles in your life, which means when someone goes away they leave very specific vacancies. They may have been your support system, the person you had fun with, or your partner in life. Each of these roles create different absences that are felt in unique ways.
Different Experiences
Grief is also different based on where you are in life. Grief experienced as a child or adolescent is going to be different than grief experienced as a 40-year-old, which will be different again when you’re eighty.
Your past experiences with grief will also contribute to how you experience grief today. Let’s say two 30-year-old cousins Tyler and Jay lose a grandparent. If Tyler has never experienced a major loss and Jay had their best friend die when they were fifteen, the cousins’ experiences with the loss of their grandparent will be very different.
Maybe some trauma from the loss of Jay’s friend will resurface making it harder for them, or maybe Jay having navigated loss before makes it more manageable now (or maybe both those things are true). Meanwhile Tyler, as an adult who has never had to personally face mortality, is just now dealing with the realities of death. Even if the grandparent was 100-years-old and death was not a total surprise, his unfamiliarity with grief could make the loss completely devastating.
Two very different experiences of the same loss.
Different Grief Is Okay
So if your grief looks different than your sibling’s, your spouse’s, or your best friend’s, don’t worry too much about it. There’s no “right” way to mourn someone you love. Every role, every memory, and every life stage shapes the way we carry loss. Be gentle with yourself—and with others.